ISSUE 2: Haunted House Flippers
The 1970's ranch of your dreams.
Well, hello, void dodgers or scaries? Maybe I should do a poll. How would you like me to refer to you?
Regardless, I’m glad you’re here!
On this week’s query update, I’m still getting rejected. 🤣 My fastest reject was within one hour of submission.
However, their feedback was probably the most personalized, so I’m not even mad about it. Really, I’m not mad at all. Rejection is just a reality of querying.
I’m on the fence about tradpub lately. Did I write off self-publishing too soon? There’s something to be said about having full creative control—and I’m a control freak.
I’m going to let my queries run their course as I contemplate what I want. The impatient (and spooky) part of me, would BE OVER THE MOON to publish my work in time for Halloween. I love a seasonal read. 🎃👻🦇
What do you think? Tell me in the comments.
👻KLB
…now for the scaries part.
On this episode of Haunted House Flippers, husband-and-wife duo Sam (the contractor) and Haley (the realtor and clairvoyant) take on a frightfully hideous 1970s Ranch with an original goldenrod kitchen that wants to take a bite out of them.
“I don’t know about this, Sam,” Haley says, watching as the front door opens by itself. It’s a surprisingly warm welcome when every other haunted house has tried to keep them out.
“Don’t worry! It seems like a friendly ghost. It opened the door for us!” Sam bounds through the open doorway like a happy golden retriever. Haley tries to stop him, but her hands just miss his shirt. She groans, but follows.
For the low price of $295,000, this fixer-upper has everything you could want!
A charred conversation pit with woodburning fireplace, a bedroom with mirrors on the ceiling–oh, la, la!–and a delightfully dated goldenrod kitchen with original aluminum cabinets.
They don’t make ‘em like this anymore!
Haley stops in the kitchen. It’s blindingly bright. The floor is yellow vinyl, there’s yellow carpet on the ceiling, and even the appliances are yellow.
She sighs. “I hate how much people loved carpet.”
She hears a scuffling coming from the yellow oven.
“Please tell me it’s not a rat,” she whines, taking a step closer.
It’s not a rat.
She slowly lowers the oven door. There’s a note. Haley glances around, looking for signs of the ‘friendly’ ghost out of fear she’s about to be Hansel and Gretel’d into the oven. She sees nothing, but feels eyes on her. With trembling fingers, she snatches the note out.
“What do you have there?” Sam asks, coming up behind Haley and startling her.
She clutches the note to her chest as her heart painfully hammers against her ribs. She gives Sam a dirty look before opening the note.
I’m Dean. I’m looking for a homeowner with an appreciation of my style and music. In my previous life, I was a guitarist for (REDACTED). Preferably, a single woman who can see me.
“Wow. Sounds like he’s looking for a girlfriend more than a homeowner,” Sam comments, reading over Haley’s shoulder. “At least he’s making it easy for us, and it’s cool he’s a rockstar. I didn’t know anyone from REDACTED lived locally.”
“Me either…” Haley trails off, reading the note a second time. “Is this a trick?”
“Nah, I told you he was friendly. Come on, there’s something I want to show you,” Sam throws his arm over Haley’s shoulder before turning to leave the kitchen. Haley sighs, terrified of the next atrocity Sam has to show her.
That’s when she sees him. Dean.
He’s young. Likely, early thirties, with feathered blonde hair, green eyes, and a dimple in his chin.
More importantly, Dean sees Haley seeing him. And the spark that lights his eyes can only mean trouble.
The fridge, filled with the dust of long-decayed food, flies open and Sam lurches toward it.
Haley grabs his forearm, but Dean’s ethereal force pulls harder trying to suck Sam into the fridge.
“I take it back! It’s not a nice ghost!” Sam screams, holding onto Haley with all his strength.
“You always think they’re nice, Sam!” Haley shouts at him in frustration. “Nice is irrelevant when you’ve been alone for decades, and now he sees his opportunity to make me a single woman who can see him.”
Sam lurches halfway inside the fridge, dust coating his clothes. “Why does this keep happening! Please don’t let the door close on me!” He cries.
Haley glances at Dean. “Please let him go. We’ll find you someone, but not me,” she pleads.
Dean scowls, but releases Sam.
Sam and Haley fall to the floor, sweating and panting with their arms wrapped around each other.
“Are you going to be mad if I've already put an offer in?” Sam asks.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m going to be mad. Get off me.”
Haley and Sam’s offer was accepted, and they have their work cut out for them.
While Haley and Same argue about preserving Dean’s style, Dean is busy hiding tools, turning off the electricity, and scaring Haley at every corner.
But with renovations done—two months behind schedule and $50,000 over budget—it was finally time to put the 1970s Ranch on the market.
“We’re not getting anywhere.” Haley pinches the bridge of her nose as another potential buyer runs out of the house. “You need to quit appearing on the bed with a rose between your teeth. You’re coming on too strong.”
The rose vanishes and Dean throws his hands up in exasperation.
Sam walks into the bedroom, a flyer in hand. “There’s a 70s night at the bar tonight. Why don’t you come with us?” He asks Dean, staring vacantly at the space next to Haley. She has to turn his head toward the bed. “Ah, he did the rose thing again?” Sam asks Haley.
Dean, desperate to find a love connection with the buyer, accepts Sam’s offer. Together, the trio–decked out in psychedelic print, enters the bar.
“I lost him,” Haley says, blowing her faux-fringe bangs out of her eyes.
“What? We just walked through the door.” Sam cranes his neck looking for the specter he can’t see.
“Let’s get a drink. I’m sure he’ll turn up eventually.” Haley wraps her arm around her husband’s waist as they move through the crowded bar.
Haley’s taking a sip of her groovy gimlet when Dean pops into existence. She chokes on her drink and glares at him, but Dean can’t slow down enough to register her anger. He’s pointing frantically at a woman in rollerblades on the dance floor.
And she’s looking right at Dean, doing the come-hither gesture.
Dean teleports in front of her, and she doesn’t flinch.
She can see ghosts.
“She’s the one,” Haley gasps, pointing for Sam’s benefit.
After several groovy gimlets and hours talking a broke millennial into the largest purchase of her life, Haley secured the deal, but requested we burn the footage so the viewers wouldn’t lose respect for her. She had to resort to begging, pleading, and crying.
April–the woman in rollerblades–disclosed that she was going to buy the house regardless, but she was trying to see how far Haley would be willing to go to make a deal.
The following morning, a hungover Haley and happy Sam hand over the keys to the now “far out” 1970s Ranch, with the intact goldenrod kitchen–sans ceiling carpet.
“I know you’re going to love this place,” Haley says, sliding her oversized sunglasses up her nose.
April nods. “It’s perfect.” Dean pulls her close, and she giggles. “It’s not every day you get a chance to own a piece of history and a rockstar.” She nuzzles Dean’s ear, and he flushes like he still has blood pumping through his veins.
“Keep an eye on that one,” Sam says, waving an arm vaguely in Dean’s vicinity. “He wouldn’t agree to an electric fireplace. He likes to touch the fire, but sometimes his…essence?...can make the flames leap.” Sam warns.
“Got it,” April says, giving Dean a look. He grins.
“Alright, well then, enjoy!” Sam says with a wave while helping his wife to the car.
“We did it,” Haley grumbles, falling into the passenger seat.
“That wasn’t so bad,” Sam says, oblivious to Haley’s outrage.
“No more haunted houses, Sam.”
“Uh oh…” Sam trails off, finally looking at Haley. “I already put an offer in–”
“Please stop talking.” Haley rubs the middle of her forehead.
1 Year Later
April and Dean are still together in their dream home. Dean has only set one pillow on fire–by accident. And they have recently adopted a black cat named Shadow, who likes to scare Dean around every corner.
I hope you enjoyed this episode of Haunted House Flippers! I wouldn’t be surprised if Sam and Haley made another appearance in the future. Let me know what you think they should flip next. 🏚️
Nice! Maybe you could have a recurring ghost character. Someone from way in the past who struggles understanding the modern world
Cool concept! Looking forward to the next one