ISSUE 5: Infernal Hotline

"Who do I have the displeasure of speaking with?"

HEYO Substack fam!

If you’ve been keeping up with my notes, you know I’m well on my way with edits for Haunted House Flippers AND dropped the cover reveal last Wednesday! 🎉

Peak delusion and hard work can really make miracles happen. ✨

I also have to scream and pinch myself a little.

If you told me I’d join Substack while waiting for my full-length manuscript to go through query and find the motivation to write a short story collection AND publish it. I would have told you, “Yeah, right!” 😅

So, I have to throw some thanks to this wonderful community of writers! Y’all are the reason the down in the dumpies have stayed away, and that I’ve found this new path that is so exciting!

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

That said, what has Substack inspired you to do? Tell me in the comments ⬇️. Y’all already know, I’m a yapper. 😜

👻KLB

---

…now for the scaries part.

“Infernal hotline. This is Demon Daisy. Who do I have the displeasure of speaking with?” My saccharine sweet voice rings through the call floor like a bell.

“Daisy! Baby! It’s Mark. Come back, please. I’ll sell my soul. Whatever you want!” I stop filing my nails at the sound of Mark’s grating pleas.

“Ew, Mark. How’d you even get this number? The answer is no. Plus, it was just a fling.” And because the best service is the worst service, I end the call.

“A girl can’t have one hot succubus summer without snagging a clinger,” I mutter, going back to filing my nails to a wicked point.

“I think it’s cute,” Kat says, popping the sucker out of her mouth and waving it at me.

I roll my eyes. “Ew, you only think it’s cute because you haven’t experienced it yet.”

Kat shrugs, opening her mouth to say more, but my phone rings.

I raise a finger, telling her to hold that thought—more like forget that thought—as I take my next call. I put on my award-winning customer service voice.

“Uh, yeah, this is AJ. I need to get even with my ex.” A soft voice says. The phone crackles with static since taking calls from the upper world requires some inventive telecommunications practices—and a blood sacrifice.

“Oh, hexing an ex is my favorite!” I grab my binder of hexes from the top drawer and start listing off AJ’s options. “We have spiders in their beds, crabs—you know, pubic lice—accidentally sending their boss a genital photograph, or if you’re interested in an upsell, I can be the bogeywoman under their bed.”

“You sound too nice to be a bogeywoman,” AJ replies, sounding skeptical.

I laugh. “Well, for five minutes off your soul, I can demonstrate.”

AJ stutters. “On me? Demonstrate on me?”

“How else will you know you’re getting your soul's worth!” I answer. “What did he do anyway? Cheat, lie, steal—”

“They, uh, they killed my cat.”

I gasp, clutching my pearls. “You’re kidding?”

“They said it was an accident, but I don’t believe them. They always hated Nacho,” AJ explains. I can hear them sniffling.

I frown. “I’m sorry. Are you certain? Orange cats can be quite accident–”

“He was Black,” AJ interrupts.

I gasp again. “Even worse! I’ll tell you what—we need to call in the big guns.”

“What do the big guns cost?” AJ gulps. “I only have one soul.”

“Oh, don’t worry. This one is on the house. Sometimes demons are angels, and I know an angel that loves vengeance.” I smile, because while AJ’s off the hook, the ex isn’t.

I wrap up the call, and Kat is out of her chair, bouncing with excitement. “You’re going to use the gold phone?”

I get up from my desk and stretch before answering, “I’m going to use the gold phone.”

“Let me make the call. I’ve never gotten to use the gold phone before,” Kat whines.

“You don’t want to talk to Gabe, trust me,” I say, picking up the receiver.

“What do you want?” A dull voice says before I can even speak.

“Hello, Gabe. I’m good. Thanks for asking. I have a case that might interest you—”

“Get to the point, Daisy.” Gabe sighs.

“Two words—”

“You already—” Gabe begins.

“Righteous. Vengeance,” I savor the words.

Gabe’s been silent for so long, I almost think he hung up. “Righteous vengeance?” He repeats.

“Mhmm,” I confirm, knowing I have him hooked.

“Ah, hell—excuse me—fuck, yeah! Tell me about the case. When can we leave?” Gabe is a whole new angel when vengeance enters the conversation.

I twist the phone cord around my finger. “You’re not even going to take a girl to dinner first?”

Gabe’s caught off guard and sputters, “What? No—we can’t—”

“Relax, Romeo. I know. But it would have been fun to relive the good old days.” I smooch, and I can practically hear Gabe’s cheeks flushing. Instead of embarrassing him further, I give him a rundown of the situation.

“Do you think the cat wants in on this?” I ask.

“I can ask. Cats can be vindictive,” Gabe answers. I can hear him chewing on the tip of his pen cap. He was always so studious.

“I love cats.” I sigh wistfully. “I wish we had animals here.”

“You have dragons. That’s way cooler!” Gabe almost sounds jealous.

“Yeah, but have you ever tried cuddling with a dragon?” I point out, not thinking about cuddling a dragon at all, but cuddling Gabe.

Gabe laughs. “Alright, well, besides the cat, are we doing our usual? You go low, I go high?”

“Always,” I say before hanging up.

Kat’s sucker drops out of her mouth and onto the ugly office floor. “You and Gabriel? Together?”

I shrug. “It was a long time ago.”

---

In a cloud of ash, I manifest under the bed of AJ’s ex. It smells like moldy cheese. “Ew. Next time AJ calls, we’re talking about their choice of partners.”

On cue, the cat yowls.

The ex starts from their sleep, jostling the bed.

I smile and start singing Dream a Little Dream of Me. Gabe joins in from somewhere else in the room. I always loved his singing voice—I guess that’s the perk of being angelic.

I crawl out from under the bed, noticing AJ’s ex is white-knuckling the covers. I make a point to graze their hands as I climb out. They scream when our skin connects. Then they scream even louder when they see me.

I love the sound of terror in the middle of the night. And that’s why I put on my best skin. It’s bright red, with oozing open sores, but my smile is all my own—I filed it to points myself.

I feel a brush of wings graze my arm as Gabriel manifests. He’s looking quite angelic with his solemn features, dove gray wings, and biblical robe. I have to swallow my laugh. I hadn’t seen robes on an angel in at least a millennium.

We finish our song, and I think I spy AJ’s ex wetting the bed. Yeah, we’re definitely having a talk next time AJ calls.

“Oh, dear. We heard from a little… cat that you are a nasty one—killing animals? Taking innocent life demands payment, and I know a place you’ll fit right in,” I say, jumping onto the bed. The cat in question jumps on my shoulder, a growl building in its throat.

“No! Get that cat away from me! It deserved to die!” AJ’s ex screams, but Nacho talks closer. “Help me!” They beg Gabe.

“I’m afraid there’s no help in this.” Gabe shakes his head sadly. Nacho stalks closer, and there’s nowhere for AJ’s ex to escape. They’re confronted with their misdeed. Face to furry face.

Nacho launches himself at his murderer, claws out, and heads right for the eyes. How cats managed to con their way into heaven, I’ll never know because these creatures really are vindictive.

To the backdrop of screams, splashes of blood, and yowls, I climb off the bed and let Nacho go to work while making small talk with Gabe. “Do you want to get a drink before we head back to our respective worlds?” I ask.

Gabe winces. “Wow, this cat is mad. Did he just bite their nose off?” A piece of said nose comes flying toward Gabe, and he sidesteps it.

“Ahem, a drink?” I repeat, peeling off my demon skin and pulling out my handbag. I grimace, wiping ooze off it.

Gabe rubs his hand over the back of his neck. “I don’t know… last time…”

“Last time was fun! Plus, I can tell the choir of angels is stressing you out. One quick drink,” I wink.

There’s one more gurgled moan before I see AJ’s ex’s soul leave his body. I snatch it before Gabe can and tuck it into my handbag.

He glares at me. “What about righteous vengeance?”

“Nacho completely got his vengeance. Didn’t you?” I coo, and Nacho jumps into my arms. I glance over to see a bloodied pulp. “Wow, quick work,” I comment, stroking his unmarred fur. “Plus, getting a drink would give me a little time to snuggle Nacho. You know how much I like cats.”

Gabe throws his arm over my shoulder. “You’re a terrible influence.”

“Of course I am. Why else do you think they put a world in between us?” I tease.